Thoughts

Avon

I never intended to come back, and I wouldn’t have done so if it hadn’t been for her. I always knew that in the end she would get me killed but within a few hours, minutes maybe, of meeting her I also knew that I didn’t care. Being with her was all that mattered, and if she was heading back into the Federation then so was I.

No that’s a lie, being what she wanted me to be was what mattered. Regardless of what I had been, and knowing all that I had done, she thought she could see more in me than I could. Somehow that was important. I came back because I thought she expected it of me, and I couldn’t let her down. Almost from the first moment I saw her, I couldn’t let her down.

Not that she ever showed any sign of disappointment in me. God knows I searched her face for it often enough, sure that it must be there; but all I ever saw was acceptance. And love, I was lost the moment I saw that, lost to myself and to the past. I never recovered. I thought I had known love before but I was wrong. I would have died for Anna; but for her, for Gabi, I would live and be whatever she wanted of me.

Not that searching her face was ever a hardship, she is beautiful. Even in dirty leather and tattered lace she is beautiful. Even with her glorious sunlight hair grubby and tangled she is beautiful. Even with her skin stained with my blood she is beautiful. Beautiful, and clean and right. There is light in her, even in the most starless stretch of space. The glow in her eyes when she looks at me shines into the darkest part of my being and I find that I don’t care how deep she looks, or what she sees there.

I will never understand how or why she chose me. It’s not as if there is much in me to be proud of, and there was even less before she came. Except perhaps that I have no illusions about myself, and that I have survived that fact. Not that many other people have survived it with me of course. It seems that I have brought pain and death to everyone I have ever cared for.

I told her that once. She just smiled at me gently and asked if I was sure, that maybe the death and pain were of their own making, that maybe I was just incidental. Or maybe that it had been their destiny anyway and that I was just a part of that fate; along for the ride you could say. That maybe it had been necessary.

I had laughed at that, and the pain and bitterness had been audible even to me. There had been sadness in her lovely face as she looked at me while I laughed. I have never seen her cry but I think that was the nearest. A deep pain showed in those wonderful blue-green eyes and it drove me to put out my hand to her, to tell her that I was alright, that I would survive. That I had accepted it and myself. Somehow her distress had been more important than my own grief. Perhaps that was when I knew how much I loved her.

So I came back. Took up the struggle, Blake’s struggle, again. Fought as I had never fought before, found in myself things I had never expected to find. Learned so much about myself that there were times that it frightened me. Sometimes in the dark of the night, by campfires on some desolate alien hill or in the moments before the action, I had looked at myself and wondered who I had become, what it was that she had made of me. When I saw the expression in other people’s eyes as they looked at me, saw the trust, and care, and sometimes love, I was terrified.

But she was always there, and I knew she always would be, right to the end. Through all the battles and the losses, through the blood, pain and grief, through the nightmares and the memories. She saw it all, the self-hatred, the confusion, and the anger and somehow she made sense of it, made sense of me. She was both my damnation and my salvation, and I knew that she would be with me to the end.

I was right, this is the end and she is here. The pain is growing distant now but I can still feel the warmth of her thighs under my head, the softness of her hand on my hair. Light is dying and I can feel my life ebbing away but it doesn’t seem to matter because she is here, and I know that I haven’t disappointed her.

Veron

I don’t know what I expected when he came back, but it wasn’t this. I knew him with Blake of course but only for a few moments, a few moments of betrayal. On my part that is, not his. He has never let me down.

I’d heard the stories of course, who hadn’t? That he had held the line in the war when Blake was injured, that he had lost their ship in the search for Blake, and lost himself in the process.

How he had killed Blake.

Like most other people I hadn’t believed it.

But when he came he had said it was true, and I still find that hard to believe. Yet he has never lied to us. There must be something about it I don’t understand; he has never explained, and I am willing, have always been willing, to allow him his reserve. The man I have come to know in these last few years would never have betrayed Blake, or anyone else come to that. He is the strongest man I have ever met, and betrayal is alien to him.

When he arrived on earth it brought new hope to us all, and he never let us, or our hope, down. Without him we would never have got so far. We will win now, I am sure of it. Freedom is in our sights, though peace may be a little further away. But he will not see it. He is dying. Dying out here in this desolate land far away from where he started.

Avon is dying.

I love him of course, and have done for a long time. It’s been a while since I admitted that to myself out loud, but I have known it to be true, lived with the knowledge, for a long time. Not that it has ever been an issue between us because I could never do anything about it. I couldn’t even try to tell him, because that would hurt both him and her and I couldn’t do that. Not to him and not to her.

Gabi came with him, and where he goes so does she. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Sometimes, watching them, it seems like they have been together forever; but that can’t be possible because she wasn’t with Blake. Yet there is such perfect trust between them that time does not seem to be a factor in their relationship.

Once I asked her how long they had been together, and she just smiled that mysterious smile of hers, and said' from the beginning'. I asked her what she meant and she just put her hand on my arm and said that one day I would understand. Now, if anyone else had done that I would have been angry, furious at the implied condescension; but not with Gabi. With her its different, it always is, she is not like anyone I have ever known. When I look into her eyes it is as if she knows me through and through and still cares about me. There is something remarkable, truly magical about Gabi.

Of course she is beautiful, more than anyone I have ever seen. I suppose that helps. Her face is perfect and her eyes seem to glow even in the dimmest room, like the light comes from within her. She is graceful too; I have never seen her slide or trip even on the roughest ground. Friend or enemy everyone seems to be drawn to Gabi, to want to be close to her. Even when she is shouting her voice has a musical quality to it that makes it a pleasure to hear, I can sit and listen to her for hours.

She can be angry of course, I have heard her dress down a careless soldier more than once, but even then the feeling of love that surrounds her seem to overlay all she says and does. No one doubts that Gabi cares for them, whatever they may do, but no one doubts her care for him either. Avon seems to be Gabi’s reason for being, her love for the rest of us, though large and real, is incidental.

Now he is dying. I know it, and it hurts more than I can yet bear to admit. I watch the blood pumping from the wounds in his chest and know that I would do anything for it to be different. It can’t be long now. Soon he will be gone and I will have to live in a world without him again. Sometime I will have to face this grief. But for the moment my care is only for him, and for Gabi. He looks at her with such love and trust, and I wish it were me he looked at in that way, even as I know it never could be. What will she do without him? What will I do without him?

Gabi

Nearly over now my dear, soon you will be free, free to understand. Ah, it hurts you I know, but it will be the last pain I promise. Do you know that? You watch me so closely and I see no fear in your eyes, only trust. As if you already know. I am pleased. Finally I see trust in you, even unto death. I am glad. As you have learnt to trust, so soon you will learn to be happy.

The crossing is not hard, though it may seem to be so from a distance. You will not be alone I promise. I can see the others at the gate. But there is darkness between you and them. I will light it for you; I will not allow you fall into darkness. There has been so much of that already, but this darkness I can spare you, and I will.

All I have ever asked you have done, even when it was hardest. What I needed you have been, you have kept your part of the bargain admirably, even when in your unknowing you thought you were alone.

It is nearly done now. The pain is fading and with it your hold on this body and this life. Do not fear my dear, you do not go alone. I have watched over you all your life, do you think I will leave you now?

I feel Veron’s pain and know that it is both for you and for me. Do you know it too? I think so. Do not be anxious, I will always be with her as I have been with you. Today we will leave her, but she will never be alone. She will bring them another chance; maybe this time they will keep hold of it. Maybe.

The darkness is closer my dear one, this life is nearly spent. The gate is opening; the others are crowded at the entrance waiting. Waiting for you. Take my hand my dear, and I will be your light. This day draws to an end, walk with me through the narrow shadow and find yourself.

Words

Extract from Veron Kassabi’s personal diary, dated 7th day of the 7th month of the 21st year of 3rd century of the new calendar.

Even as I write this I know that no one can ever read it. I cannot afford for them to doubt my sanity, and they certainly would if they read these words, even I doubt it as I write. Yet I have to write it, if I don’t I will explode. Also some little voice warns me that I may need it in the future, in case I start to forget.

Yesterday, it was only yesterday and yet it was a lifetime ago.

It was getting dark when we emerged on the far side of the mountains. It amazed me that we got all the children through without loss. Well, almost without loss. Avon died. It still seems unreal to me as a write it, Avon is dead, gone and Gabi has gone too.

One trooper made it through the passage after us, he got off one shot and it hit Avon in the chest. Maybe he would have survived if he had called the others back, we had some medical supplies, but he wouldn’t allow it.
“Send the children on, get them to safety. They must make it Veron, it’s the only way.” The blood was bubbling in his throat as he struggled to speak.

Gabi had thrown down her backpack and was kneeling at his side. As I watched she eased his shoulders from the ground and pulled his head onto her lap, her hand was stained with his blood but she didn’t seem to notice, she just stroked his hair and held him. He reached out and caught her other hand, but his grip was weak and his hand fell back.
“Tell her, Gabi, tell her.” There was pain and urgency in his voice.
“She knows my dear, she knows.” Gabi smiled serenely and went on stroking his hair.

He stared up at her and was quiet. I could feel the tears in my eyes, both at the thought of losing him, and at the look he gave her as he lay dying. As if he knew that she had found the best in him and made it real, and that here, at the end, he was glad of it.

It was not long after that that his breathing faltered and his eyes slid shut, not much longer that he slipped away and left us.

I looked at Gabi where she sat cradling him.
“Gabi?” I could hear the tears in my voice. I had loved him but I knew that but for Gabi he had been everything, she had cared for him as both a mother and lover. He had been her man, her friend, her partner and her child. Yet she had never made the rest of us uncomfortable, or excluded by her love for him. Gabi was a truly remarkable woman.

So much I thought I understood. I was about to find out just how little I had known.

She spoke without looking at me, her eyes still locked on him.
“Go on Veron, you must do as he says. Take the children on. You will be safe if you leave now.”
“I can’t just go. We must burn him! We can’t let them take his body, you know what they could do with it”
“No need. I will stay with him. I will not give him to them, you have my word on that.”
“But Gabi, they will take you too, we can’t risk that.” I heard the desperation in my own voice; I knew what she could tell them, what they would make her tell them. It could end it all, just as it was beginning.

But she seemed unconcerned. Gabi raised those glowing green eyes to mine and smiled again; that strange, timeless, smile of hers. It was as if calm flowed out from it into my mind and body. I felt as if I was on the edge of a great truth, as if I reached out and touched her everything would become clear and right.
“Go child, you have things to do.” There were echoes of my mother in her voice and I found myself getting to my feet. I drew my gun and threw it down beside him,
“At least take this. If you won’t leave him, you can go with him.”
Her smile seemed to fill the sky,
“No need, I promise you.”

I looked down at her for a long moment, drinking in the certainty that she seemed to exude. Then I looked one last time at him, imprinting his face on my mind. It seemed that the pain and weariness of recent years was washed away, and in that moment all his imperfections resolved themselves and he became beautiful. He had always been an attractive man but there, in the dying light of his last day, he was truly beautiful.

I backed away,
“Go now.” Gabi’s voice spurred me on, “and don’t look back, whatever you do don’t waste time in looking back. The others need you.”
I turned and ran.

Entry dated 21st day of the 7th month of the 21st year of the 4th century of the new calendar.

Across the years I can see now why she said that, she knew exactly what I would do.

The others were huddled on the crest of a hill about half a mile away. I waved them on and they slowly disappeared down the other side. I covered the ground quickly, as if I had just awoken rather than had been walking all day. When I got to the crest I could see the others moving slowly ahead of me, reluctant to let me out of sight. I started forward then, on impulse, turned back to say one last goodbye.

She had known that I would of course, and known that I would never forget what I saw. I never have. It has shaped my life just as she intended.

She was sitting as I had left her, still cradling his head in her lap. Yet in the moment that I turned she changed. It was as if the light that had always glowed in her eyes took fire, consuming her, and him, in its power. Gabi seemed to grow, the light spreading out from her like great shining wings. Six of them, and their light wrapped itself around them both like a shield. She looked up towards me and smiled and there were stars where her eyes had been. I still don’t know whether I saw her with my eyes or my mind, but I watched in amazement as she rose, taking him into her arms as if he weighted nothing.

She towered over everything around her and the light of her blanked out the stars. Then she was all around me, everywhere yet nowhere. Her hand reached out and it was both huge and yet still small and human, and I felt the softness of her skin as it touched my face and hair. Her smile was gentle and I knew that I wanted to see it forever.

I heard her voice in my head,
“I am always with you, just look within yourself and you will find me.”
“Will I see you again?” my voice, I thought.
“Not yet, but one day. I will be there to light the way for you when the gate through the darkness opens.”
The she was gone, and in the place where he had died there was a fire burning hot and white, I smiled at it and turned and followed the others.

They said that they never found even the ashes.

It was some years later when I was visiting a museum, newly opened, that I saw her again. An ancient picture but I was suddenly sure that it was she.
“Who is this supposed to be?” I asked the curator. He looked embarrassed, wriggling as if he wanted to get away from the picture.
“It’s a gift from Lindor, for the anniversary of the new Federation. It’s old, very old.” He smiled uncomfortably, “It dates from two millennia ago, maybe more. Superstitious nonsense of course, but it is a part of our history and we think people might be interested.
“Yes, I see. But what is she, who is she?”
He wriggled again,
“She has many names and sometimes she is seen as male though I gather informed opinion is that she is probably female.”
I waited and he smiled tightly,
“She is an angel, a warrior and guardian angel, or so they say.”
“Her names?”
“Most of them I do not recall, but I believe the most common is Gabriel.”

Why do I remember this now? Because I saw her today, she was in the garden when I went to look at the roses. I just caught sight of her on the edge of my vision, and when I turned she was gone. But she will be back I know it, my time here is drawing to a close and my work is done. Soon the gate will open for me and I will follow those I have lost. She will be there, she doesn’t break her word, Gabi will be there and so, I think, will they.

Peladon
2004