Evening
It had been a perfect autumn day in every sense of the word. The sky blue and cloudless, the tangy air still; even the dark trees of the plantations had seemed tinged with colour. The omens couldn’t have been better.
I had walked the perimeter with Knox, and then with Deva, and then again with both of them. Everything was ready, every weakness explored and covered. But then it had been for a while, and I had been over it more times than I cared to count. Every second of delay has been a discipline and yet I have been patient, despite the desperation I can feel growing every day, finally accepting that I cannot afford another mistake. Knowing that this time it must be as perfect as today.
It has taken longer than I hoped, we have been waiting for months for the missing piece. It had to be right and it has not been easy, making sure, but now we have it. Now even Deva is sure, and Deva makes a point of being unsure most of the time.
I collected her last evening. It was the right psychological moment, just as the darkness deepened and the night became colder. She was exactly where we had expected her to be, and exactly what we had expected her to be, just as Deva had promised.
Like today she is perfect.
I can see her now, stumbling through the dusk. Young enough to be certain, old enough to be believed. A believer. A zealot. Hungry for glory. The zeal in her burning so brightly she could barely hide it, the veiled eyes all too often betraying the direction of her thoughts, if she but knew it. Oh yes, Arlen is perfect.
It’s getting late. The air is becoming chill and the sky is darkening again, stars are showing faintly above the towering trees. I could almost imagine that I see the lights from the ships amongst them. Soon there will be one more. It can’t be soon enough, not for me.
Jenna is right; I know that. I am in danger of losing himself. Surrounded by too many believers I am being swallowed by their worship, their legend. It has always been a risk and I have always known it. Now I believe in it too. I hope that it is not too late for me but I must have an unbeliever to ground me, a truth-sayer to watch my back and my conscience. But it must be one that I can trust for their sakes, and for my own.
There is only one of those and finally he is coming. He promised he would come when she arrived, and he abides by his word if nothing else. So now he is coming. This time tomorrow it will be over, he will be here, I will be myself again and the next stage will have begun.
Just one more night.
Morning
Something is wrong. They came down too steeply, and there shouldn’t have been a pilot on the ship, I thought we’d agreed that. But he was there and he has seen me. I'm not sure whether he knows who I am but I can see suspicion in his eyes and hear the doubts in his voice. But it’s not a serious problem, just as long as he is who claims to be. Or doesn’t claim to be. Why doesn’t that re-assure me?
Jenna’s aim was good and the destruction was even better than we hoped for, there will be little enough left for the scavengers. Yet the pilot was where he shouldn’t have been. A just cause for being suspicious, and I find that too easy these days. I need to be sure, now of all times I must be sure. But it can be worked with, just as long as I can be sure.
Deva is looking uneasy, he doesn’t like the change. But it’s going well enough. Tarrant has nowhere to run to and she believes in it. A bonus then, something else to convince her. That’s all that matters now, we’re ready and events must take their course.
There go the alarms, right on cue. Just as she expects.
God but he looks tired, and more than tired. It seems that I’m not the only one who’s seen a glimpse of hell . My legacy to him? Maybe. Going to be a difficult few months if that’s the case. But we’ll get through it; together we have a much better chance of surviving. That, if nothing else, will keep him with me.
Tarrant is doing well, almost as if he knows. Klyn is already down. He found the gun then. Looks impressive if nothing else. That blonde looks dangerous though – I hope he fixed her gun, we don’t want any accidents.
Watch for my signal, as we agreed. Yes, now. One, two, three. Has she taken the bait? I daren’t look at her.There’s his signal, she’s hooked. I can let go now; leave it up to him. Been a long time since I could say that.
Hell that stuff packs a kick, I just hope I got the dosage right.
“Avon”
Afternoon
Well I never expected it to be comfortable. Even so I didn’t expect them to dump me down here, and in the dark too. What the hell is Deva playing at?
God but it hurts, those charges packed a kick like a horse. Maybe Jenna was right, I shouldn’t have been so melodramatic, but I didn’t want her looking too closely. That should amuse him, I’m paying for it now, I feel like I’ve spent a night trawling the bars of Freedom City.
Better move, find out what’s going on. Arlen will have gone by now, back to her unit. Back to where her loyalties lie, to tell her story. Gauda Prime has been purged; it’s back in the fold. Nothing to fear from anything or anyone here any more.
Where the hell is Deva?
At last, I was beginning to think they had left me. Or that the federation had found us out.
Why are they all so quiet? It’s more like a wake than a job well done.
I don’t like this, why do they all look so shocked? And where is Deva? Ah, there he is. Looks like the same horse kicked him! My chance to say I told you so.
Why is he looking at me like that?
I know that face, never realised how much I’d miss it. Vila! You never change do you?
Why the scowl? Aren't you glad to see me? Vila? What’s wrong?
No. You’re lying. It’s impossible they can’t have. They can’t have! Why would they?
No!
Evening
The sky has blackened quickly tonight and the wind has risen. Jenna’s hair is streaming like a ghostly banner behind her. Yesterday's perfection was misleading, the gentle softness of autumn is losing ground to the harsh hand of winter. Like me the year is suddenly feeling old.
Deva has lit torches at five points around the clearing; it is a custom of his home planet apparently. I’m glad of them. They keep the darkness at bay for a little longer. For some of us anyway.
The fire echoes in Jenna’s eyes but her face is as hard and as cold as the sky. Deva has said nothing, but I can see the pity in his eyes, along with the unspoken ‘I told you so’. And he did, so many times I lost count. I knew better. I learnt mistrust the hard way and having learnt I couldn’t put it aside. Not even for this, for them, him, and it brought us here, to the one place I never thought to be.
There are just the seven of us. I refused to allow the others to come, they have no right to be here. But then do I? I should have taken better care. I promised him that they would be prepared, and I lied.
Jenna produced a silver sheet, a legacy of Liberator I didn’t know she had. It makes it tidy, hides the blood and the bruises and the eruptions of shattered bone. I didn’t want it, but she insisted, they insisted. Who was I to argue?
But it doesn’t make it easier. I can’t undo what I have done, I can’t un-see what I have seen, un-know what I have known. They are still there beneath the pall of silver, just as the bitter, tortured eyes still stare at me from behind the closed lids.
I dug the grave myself, alone in this clearing as the sun began to sink and the shadows lengthened. There was no lack of offers of help, but I would not permit it. They shall not see his burial as atonement for their acts. No more shall I.
I made it deep; no predator, human or otherwise, will disturb these ashes. He will have peace; no one will trouble him or use him again.
The steady swinging of the pick, the scrape of the shovel drowned out thought for a while. Until they brought him, his silvery winding sheet catching the last rays of the sun as it filtered through the trees. Thought returned then, and memory. Things half forgotten returned to twist the knife of guilt and grief, things that never can be again.
Jenna came to stand beside me, her hand sliding into mine. Forgiveness. I could feel the tremors of her grief though her face was stone. I would have asked her, but her eyes warned me off, that question it seems is forever forbidden.
They wouldn't let me lay him in the ground. I would have fought for the right but Jenna held me back, her eyes as cold as his skin. In the end I let them have their way.
Tarrant and Vila set him to rest, the women’s guns sent him on his way.
The silver shroud flamed like a small sun at the first salvo. It was still burning when all beneath it was dust.
We all took turns to close the earth over him, then left him to the night and sleep.
Tomorrow we will be gone, but not as planned. I do not know where I will go, but I know I can’t stay with those who brought us to this clearing. I do not know who, if any, of those here now will come with me and I cannot ask. Tonight, at least, they are still his.
But I will go. My truth-teller will remain here and I know that I am doomed to lose myself completely.
Still it comforts me that I will know that he is here and always will be. I WILL win, and I will come back.